OH THOSE BASTARDS at arizona have done it again! and by again, i mean for a second time. they’ve brought back their “very popular” (according to their website) piña colada virgin cocktail drink thing. now, maybe it’s my terrible memory, but i don’t remember this thing at all. ever. but i guess it did exist. and i guess it was popular enough to bring back (but not popular enough to keep around).

arizona piña colada

so i saw this thing today, and i felt i had to pick it up. i was mostly attracted to the adorably stoic, somewhat concerned-looking native american on the bottle itself. i somehow felt deeply connected to it… much in the same way the native americans are deeply connected to piña coladas(???). while drinking the piña colada, i’ve busied myself by fashioning a headdress similar to the one depicted on the bottle out of various items lying around my workplace (mostly cardboard and audio cables), then doing ceremonial dances and chanting. i feel very in touch with my native american roots.

anyway, about this drink. it’s okay. sorta. well, it tastes fine. arizona makes use of coco lopez REAL cream of coconut, which i guess lends them years of REAL coconut experience. the drink is creamy but not too creamy (could be a bit creamier), opening with the nice sweet coconut flavor, settling into the tart pineapple, then flowing straight into ew what the hell is that?? that, my friends, is the light tinny sting of my arch-nemesis, sucralose. bluh. yeah, for some reason they shot this thing full of the artificial sweetener, even while already using high fructose corn syrup and real sugar. fantastic. also, despite using REAL cream of coconut, this drink consists of less than one percent juice. whooooo!! honestly, it’s not bad, but it leaves an unpleasant taste in my mouth.

so after realizing the TRUTH behind this lame-ass drink, i tossed it, along with some other trash, out of my car. the following is what transpired:

keep america beautiful; don’t use sucralose.