THE SODAS OF SUBS-N-SUCH

bulldog root beer

bulldog root beer. what a manly sounding drink. bull dogs are the most manly dogs ever, and root beer is probably the most manly soda possible. put them together, and you’ve got a combination bound to call you “bro” and then slap your back really hard in a friendly way but it actually just hurts so why did you do that?

both the bottle and the awful website (now with more superfluous html check boxes!!) dare you to “UNLEASH THE TASTE”, which is a pretty manly way of saying “please drink our soft drink”. their website states that they “use only the best ingredients, which means the most expensive ingredients”. they use real sugar. they use real vanilla extract. and, presumably, they use real dog.

but it doesn’t taste like dog! no. no that would be awful. instead it tastes like cigarettes. mmm. ever drank from a bottle or glass filled with water yellowed by a cigarette butt floating in it? no? well now you’ll never have to, instead you can just “unleash the taste” of pure cigarette with every bulldog root beer. like i said, manly.

there are other detectable flavors and experiences here, too. up front, it tasted a bit like honey to me. a deep honey sweetness. there is a bit of a bite to it, but mostly the flavors are subdued. the finish is where the magical cigarette flavor bursts out, and then, surprisingly, it has a sweet vanilla aftertaste. so where does this cigarette flavor come from? perhaps their brewing process, which they claim is rare in root beers these days. perhaps it was somehow burned in this process? maybe this batch had a cigarette dropped in it by a careless worker? whatever the case, whether it was just this bottle or they all taste the same, i will not be buying bulldog root beer again.

awful. just awful. will not buy again.