as you should all well know, today is a very important day for america. it is around this time of year that americans are called upon to do their great civic duty, to celebrate their freedom to choose. the masses turn out in great numbers to experience this most incredible and life-changing event. i speak, of course of the great american institution that is:
THE MCRIB SANDWICH
yes, the mcrib sandwich from mcdonald’s. this on-again, off-again mcdonald’s favorite seems to always creep back into mcdonald’s restaurants around november in this part of florida. but what’s so special about this year in particular is that not only do we get it, right on schedule, but the entirety of america gets it along with us. yes, americans from coast to coast are now able to dig their meaty paws into this delightful little sandwich, and i for one have never been more proud to be an american.
i have had a love for the mcrib since i was a kid. whenever it was available, i would always get one. it was like an addiction, with a once-a-year fix. in fact, i became so desperate for delicious rib-shaped patties covered in barbecue sauce, that i would buy knock-off mcribs in the frozen food section at the grocery store. they were okay, but they were never a match for the real thing.
the slightly tangy sauce, the wacky hoagie bun, onions and pickles, and that meat. that strange… mysterious “pork” meat. what the hell is that stuff?
yeah. well it tastes good. and really, isn’t that all we ask of our fast food? i mean, you know when you go to a mcdonald’s that you’re not going to be eating anything of any sort of real nutritional value; all you want is that sweet mcdonald’sy taste. so a fake pig-like rib meat, shaped into a disgusting rib wannabe shape – that’s fine. just make it salty.
for you die-hard mcrib fans out there, there is a way to track them throughout the down periods of the year. the mcrib locator is a useful web tool that users can contribute to by submitting mcrib sightings across america. obsessed individuals can find their way to the closest mcrib to them through the map, and if that means driving three hours away just to taste that messy thing, then so be it.
the mythic mcrib is such a masterwork that even the simpsons has an episode where the entire b story is a parody of the sandwich, which they call the “ribwich”.
that’s not from the ribwich episode, that’s just a clip from back when the simpsons used to be funny. it’s easy to get nostalgic for those simpler, more pure times. just like it’s easy to get nostalgic for the mcrib. in fact, i just ate one and i’m feeling nostalgic for them already!
so be a real american – get a mcrib! once the stomach ache sets in, you’ll feel the same pride you would have if you’d not forgotten to vote.