i was recently given a most cordial invitation to try out chick-fil-a’s brand new chicken-type product: oatmeal! …oatmeal? oatmeal. but oatmeal isn’t chicken-type. in fact, oatmeal doesn’t have any meat in it at all! it’s like… vegetarian or something. i didn’t realize those cows had it in for grains, too. does their hate know no end?

well, typically i go to chick-fil-a for their chicken. i know, i know, crazy, right? yeah well it’s true. their menu is simple, but perfect. as far as i’m concerned, they sell three food items: chicken sandwich. spicy chicken sandwich. waffle fries. and they have that honey roasted barbecue sauce, which is the nectar of the gods. they started a breakfast program, which is basically chicken thrown on a biscuit. and i’m okay with this. their chicken kicks ass, and it works in whatever they find to shove it in.

…so oatmeal, eh? BRING IT ON, CHICKEN FILLETS!

raw oatmeal

thar she blows. chick-fil-a’s patented oatmeal. and this ain’t your grandma’s oatmeal! comprised of MULTIGRAIN, and boasting A HINT OF BROWN SUGAR, this shit is sure to pack a punch directly to your colon! it had better. the oatmeal came in an 8 ounce bowl container with a plastic lid on it, and it came out steamy but not too hot to eat. it also came with a little goodie bag of fun prizes!

contents of the goodie bag

these fun prizes include, but are not limited to:

one (1) small baggy of dried fruits
one (1) small baggy of nuts
one (1) packet of cinnamon brown sugar
one (1) spoon
some (n) napkins.

as it turns out, they are not especially fun at all, but just add ins for the oatmeal. this disappointed me greatly, as i was hoping for another homies toy for my collection.

oatmeal consistency

so i went ahead and tried out the oatmeal as it came – plain. and it was. plain. bland. boring. it was thick. sticky. it tasted multigrainier than regular oatmeal. a bit more bitter. not sweet. detected no A HINT OF BROWN SUGAR. the texture was pretty agreeable, though. it was the right consistency. but tasty it was not.

oatmeal with all the fixins

so i threw all that other crap in there! dumped the whole packet of cinnamon brown sugar (i knew i’d be needing that), tossed in the mixed bag of dried fruits, and even added the nuts, despite my vicious tree nut allergy. i wanted flavor, and by god i was gonna get it. after a some quick stirring, i had something resembling a delicious bomb of breakfast vomit. oatmeal, at last!

and the taste? still pretty bland. faaaantastic. the cinnamon brown sugar, what i had expected to be this meal’s saving grace, was not nearly powerful enough. it did sweeten it, but not to a level that i could enjoy the oatmeal (and i do enjoy oatmeal, on occasion). the fruit was quite good, with raisins (both regular and golden), dried cranberries, and what must have been dried blueberries, which were quite pleasant. they were what i dug through the oatmeal to find, and were the enjoyable part of the meal. the nuts were decent too, with a hearty mix of almonds, pecans, and walnuts, maybe others? they added an nice crunch to the meal, but soon became little more than a bother as my throat began to swell and close up. “gotta give it a fair shake”, i deliriously thought to myself, “gotta eat all the nuts”.

no more oatmeal

and so i did. mission accomplished. thanks to my allergy, i had to struggle through the bowl, barely able to breath, face red and swollen, with an ambulance on its way. at this point i was on the floor, just trying to stay awake. the manager was at my side. “the oatmeal…” i sputtered out.

“yes?” she asked me, deep concern in her eyes.

“…the oatmeal. it… it wasn’t that great.” i breathed heavily. “…it wasn’t bad. but it was… nothing special.” i spasmed into a fit of coughs. “i mean,” i continued, “it’s just oatmeal.” at this i began violently seizing, moments away from death.

“oh my god! is there anything we can get for you??” asked the manager, frantic and scared.

i steadied myself. “a chicken biscuit sandwich. i’m… still hungry.”

a REAL MAN'S breakfast

and that’s what i got.

chick-fil-a, your breakfast is awesome. but oatmeal is lame. stick to chicken.