now daddy this is a very sensitive subject…

i recommend playing that through your entire reading of this review. it will allow you a higher appreciation of the products listed below, as well as life itself.

i was given a cordial invitation to sample various goods released by dr. dunkin’ d. donuts himself, william d. “dunkin’ d. donuts” smith. in fact, i think he invented them himself. is there anything that sexy man can’t do? i think not. no.

so, in support of his brand new movie, men in black 3: secret of the ooze, will smith unleashed upon us a brand new rap song, in the form of doughnuts and coffee (the best kind of rap song). if you’ll recall, the first movie made repeated reference to dunkin’ donuts, as the favored doughnut and coffee purveyor of the so-called “coffee aliens”, known by their technical name, graboids.

the second movie put dunkin’ donuts in a more central role to the plot, when it was revealed that the universe was doughnut shaped, and, in one of cinema’s most powerful moments, will smith’s character “jay” was forced to eat thousands of delicious dunkin’ brand bavarian cream doughnuts, resulting in his death. needless to say, the third movie’s plan to bring jay back as an actual doughnut is one of the great masterstrokes in cinematic history.

involving dunkin’ was a no brainer. and here is exactly what smith has crafted for us in honor of this momentous occasion:

starnut

what the hell is this thing?? some sort of space-nut? IT IS SHAPED LIKE A STAR HOW DID THEY MAKE IT SHAPED LIKE A STAR??! clearly, alien technology was involved. actually, it’s just a regular yeasty doughnut, the “undercover black cocoa donut”. yes, it’s shaped like a star, and it’s stuffed with a “brownie batter butter crème”. yeahhhhh. it’s pretty damn good, the brownie batter center does indeed taste much as advertised, a rich, deep, dark fudgey chocolate, almost gritty like a batter. it is to doughnuts what cookie dough ice cream is to ice cream.

choconut

next up is the chocolate lunarmax donut. anything with the “word” lunarmax in it has to be good. right? right. lunarmax, meaning lunar (lunar) and maximum (max), is in reference to the part of men in black 3 where piccolo destroys the moon, releasing its “maximum energy”. agent j is pissed off, then eats a doughnut. the doughnut is of the chocolate cake variety, glazed, and features MOON ICING (chocolate icing) and STAR SHAPED SPRINKLES. honestly, it’s a pretty normal doughnut. you could purchase similar items before the movie, you will be able to after the movie. but the kids love those sprinkles!

chco cream cookie coffee

last but not least, we come to the coffee. the black cocoa creme iced coffee is a chocolatey delight of an iced coffee, featuring COOKIES AND CREAM. oh. oh yes. i order it with sugar and cream, because there’s no such thing as too much deliciousness. this coffee is the greatest drink the universe ever crapped out. (which just so happens to be the related movie storyline.) honestly, this thing is amazing. sitting at the bottom of the cup are the crushed remains of cookie and cream cookies (oreos???), which sweeten the deal, and the coffee has a strong chocolate flavor. i seriously loved this thing, and have since gotten it at least five times (and i’m very likely going to pick another one up today).

this is one of the food monster’s patented limited time must eats, despite it not being a food that one would eat. the only set back here is that the quality of the drink depends on the location from which you purchased it. some are higher quality than others, so BEWARE! oh, and it’s like two bucks or something insane, AND IT’S HUGE, so compared to starbucks it’s a friggin’ steal.

in addition to the doughnuts and coffee, we were treated to some very nice conversation, and a few other items:

steak burrito
southwest steak burrito
sweet pot burro
southwest veggie burrito

will smith is best known for his love of southwestern cuisine, and staying true to that, dunkin’ donuts has released two southwest-styled breakfast burritos. the steak option features eggs, “fire-roasted” vegetables (peppers), potatoes and cheese, along with, of course, steak. the steak was decent, eggs fine. the veggie burrito contains sweet potatoes(!!), corn and black beans, and eggs and cheese. this was more interesting to me, specifically the sweet potatoes, which were just slightly sweet but could have had a greater presence. i am not a fan of the corn/black bean combo invading any aspect of my life, however, so the burrito didn’t really do much for me. both were pretty standard fast food chain breakfast fare, but of course they are overshadowed by the fact that doughnuts are already breakfast food! and lunch food. and dinner too. snacks. dessert. whatever. they do it all.

not pictured is baskin robbins’ lunar lander sundae, made from real life lunar cheesecake ice cream, which apparently was introduced in 1969 in celebration of the moon landings! that’s actually pretty awesome. the ice cream is lime flavored, with cheesecake chunks and marshmallow inside. then they throw some caramel sauce and graham crackers on there. it sounds gross, but actually tastes pretty good!

there was also delicious sweet tea, which is a southern regional thing among the dunkin’ donuts stores. they said the measure the sugar out in pounds when brewing the tea, which i can totally appreciate.

weekly world news MiB

they also gave us all little baggies, a copy of the weekly world news, and gift cards too. basically, they loved us. THEY LOVED US. and i love them. i am hopelessly addicted to their coffee, and they have doughnuts. what’s not to love?? so, if you’ll excuse me, i’m off to pick up some space-man cookie coffee and to dream about the greatest film release to grace theaters since the last men in black film.

IN THEATERS MAY 25TH!