THE SODAS OF SUBS-N-SUCH

orangina

…regarding orangina – wtf? this thing… this thing is a mystery to me. it’s got so much going on. there’s a lot to sort through on this one. where to begin?? let’s start at the top.

orangina cap

literally, the top. the cap. the first thing you’ll notice about orangina is that it’s in a badass glass bottle, necessitating a badass cap. they feature a twist-off cap on orangina, with a sweet graphic depicting an orange peel, and some arrows cluing you in on which direction is best to twist the cap. the other way… the other way doesn’t work. it breaks the bottle.

so you see the peel, and you think “my god, opening this thing is like peeling a fucking fruit, and i am going to be drinking that fruit”. you hold the bottle in your hand, and note that it has a bumptuous texture to it, and is rounded. like a ball sack. no! no, like a fruit! it’s like you’re holding an orange in your hand!! imagine it!

you’re there, in one of florida’s many slave labor run orange groves, clutching a full, plump orange in your hand! go on, take a bite.

NO YOU IDIOT NO DON’T BITE THE BOTTLE THAT’S GLASS! THAT’S NOT EVEN HOW YOU EAT A REAL ORANGE PEEL IT YOU FOOL.

okay, stop imagining the orange field. it was upsetting anyway. the idea is that they are bringing you real fruit flavor, and the packaging expresses that. so good on them.

next we take a look at the soda itself. what is orangina? for many years, scientists have struggled to combine the natural deliciousness of orange with the pungent robustness of vagina. and now they have. …75 years ago. they used the power of real fruit juices from orange, mandarin, lemon, and grapefruit, combined that with 85% other stuff, and created orangina! honestly, that’s a good percentage real fruit juice for a soda, so i’m impressed.

the fruit juice shines through. this soft drink is more like a wine or a champagne than an ordinary soda. its nosegrope is strong and fragrant, a real citrus burst. though sweet upfront, the flavor is pretty intensely tart. there is a lot going on here from the grapefruit and lemon, or else they’re not using the sweetest oranges they could. but the flavor is crisp, clean and fruity, surprisingly not pithy at all (especially considering they tout their natural pulp content, which was present but low). they use high fructose corn syrup, which is a shame considering how natural the soda seems, but despite that it still has almost a freshly-squozen feel to it. they ask you to shake it, which scares me in a soda, but it still retains a light carbonation.

it is an adult soda, i think. it is from france, and has not been augmented to suit our american sweetness standards. i felt like if it had been a tangerine drink rather than orange, i would like it better. just shift up in sweetness of fruits a bit. but it’s good as it is, a unique, adult beverage.

…with unique, adult advertising:

oh god what did i just watch ohhhh jesus okay orangina supports furries.

a unique, grown-up orange soda. for furries.