in spite of anything you might know about me gleaned from these reviews, my one and only dream in life is to become SUPER BUFF. i want to get ripped. there’s nothing more impressive than a burly meat-sack full of rippling muscles. i know it, you know it, macho man randy savage knows it:

this message has been pounded into me by every cool dude i interacted with in middle school. back then i was a little fatty, without the first idea of what it is to be a man. but things are different now. now i’m constantly working on my physique to become the ultimate adonis, in any way i can. so after a super-intense session of DDR last night, i decided to take advantage of the smoothie king card i was recently sent in order to sample some of their fine goods.

gladiator

i perused their menu, looking for something that would beef me up. i had already tried their lean1 smoothie, and that trimmed me the hell down, but now i gotta bulk up. i gotsta get me all the ladies. the menu was divided into many different sections, with different words describing different effects the drinks would have on you. so much reading… i just want to be a hunk! i don’t have time for this bullshit!! but there, in the middle of everything, flanked by a photograph of pure, delicious muscles – THE GLADIATOR.

now we’re talking.

gladiator head

the gladiator. the name alone is enough to intimidate you. when i order a drink, i want it to either turn me into a god, or tear my still beating heart from my body… this smoothie sounded like it was ready to do both. the gladiator┬« is a low carb meal replacement fruit smoothie providing you with 45 grams of protein and just two measly carbs. i’m no dianetician, but i’m pretty sure that’s the nutritional equivalent of slaughtering and eating a whole lion with your bare hands. one sip and your testicles will drop again. if you’re female, your ovaries will drop.

you’re given the choice of two fruits, or fruit juices. i went with strawberry and blueberry – MAN FRUITS. aminogen, from TRIARCO INDUSTRIES, provides the protein from a whey and egg white base. mmm… my strength buds are watering already! as a bonus, according to triarco.com, the enhanced protein absorption from aminogen’s secret blend of herbs and spices “may also help to reduce or eliminate the gas, bloating and constipation many people experience from incomplete protein digestion.” OH THANK GOD BECAUSE MY HUGE MUSCLE BUILDING HAS TAKEN A TOLL ON MY BOWELS LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE.

gladiator wall

the gladiator is drinkable. i was able to use a straw to create a suction, the action of which caused the smoothie-drink to rise up through the straw and into my mouth. i then swallowed that liquid. it tastes like a combination of blueberry, strawberry, and wheaty, chalky, floury whey. it had a good consistency, though it was a bit slimy. the thing was quite filling, and i was able to split it into two meals. the fruits were great, but the odd flavor of the protein powder made this into a drink i would not casually sip, or ever buy. if you’re actually into health stuff, it is definitely an option, but be warned: the smoothies don’t come in a giant glass stein; they come in styofoam cups with smoothie king logos on them. to be cool in the gym, you’ll have to purchase the stein yourself.

also not included, apparently, is the muscle. even after ONE WHOLE SMOOTHIE, i’m still just as out of shape as before! it looks like it’s back to the dance mat for me.