for giftmas 2010, or, as my family calls it, “big present day”, we celebrated with the customary lighting of the ashen faggot (i know… i couldn’t resist… i’m so so sorry), and then we threw presents at each other. as our family tradition goes, the first to draw blood gets to open their presents first (the drawer, not the bleeder). i was, as usual, the bleeder, so i had to relinquish all my gifts to the drawer, and in turn i got the family “joke gift”, which this year was thirty lashes.

well, i guess this year one member of my family took pity on me, because when i came to after the brutal flogging, i found myself surrounded in what i consider to be a big present day miracle – presents! in total i got three gifts, all s’more related! huzzah!

the contenders

as careful readers of this blog should know, i adore s’mores. in fact, my first blog ever was about them! so this was an exciting gift for me. i couldn’t wait to try all the different sorts of “s’more” snacks these people had come up with. of course, i didn’t expect them to hold a candle to the real deal, or even to trader joe’s wacky s’more-themed choco-candies, but i was excited nonetheless.

goldfish s'mores adventures

the first was pepperidge farm’s goldfish baked graham snacks s’mores adventures. now, i had already judged them, both based on their ridiculous name (adventures? what adventures? what the hell are you talking about, marketing people??) and on the fact that i am not a fan of goldfish crackers. sorry dudes… i just don’t care for them. or any cheese-blasted cracker for that matter (i’m looking in your direction, cheese nips!). but because this had no cheese, i was prepared to give them a chance. that was a mistake.

alright they’re not that bad. but they’re pretty damn lame. there are three different ‘fish’ involved: graham cracker fish, chocolaty graham cracker fish, and crappy marshmallow fish. the marshmallow was the exact same thing you get with any marshmallow cereals – freeze dried terror. it works a lot better in milk. the crackers were akin to teddy grahams… they were pretty bland. this snack lacks any sweetness that you might expect in real s’mores, which is not good. in fact, it lacks all characteristics you might expect in a s’more, including flavor. but it does make for decent snacking, and of the three, this is the one you could probably snack on longest without getting sick. so i guess that’s a plus.

honey maid mini s'mores

the honey maid mini s’mores were quite different from the other two snacks. they were little sandwiches, a lot like ritz bitz sandwiches, another nabisco product, but these are sweet. to their credit, honey maid makes the graham crackers that you most likely would actually be using in the production of a real s’more, so they have an edge there. and it is evident in the taste… REAL GRAHAM CRACKER FLAVOR!

instead of using real marshmallow thingies, they use a vanilla type cream within the sandwich, next to a chocolate type cream. the resulting flavor is very unlike a real s’more, and somewhat gross. these aren’t that great. but they get points for using good graham… uh… graham “stuff”, and for being in sandwich form.

mama mellace's s'mores mix

but of course, style isn’t everything. and sandwich or not, mama mellace’s s’mores mix blows the other two clean out of the water for its awesome flavor and intense snackability. the first thing you notice when eating aunt fannie’s smore max is that they use chocolate (or at least a chocolate-type thing). the mix has chocolate chips, providing the sensation of chocolate. this is noticeably absent from the other mixes, and is a large part of what a s’more is. even if the chocolate is not melted, it needs to be present.

the rest of the mix is honey graham squares (reminiscent of golden grahams), the little crappy dehydrated marshmallows as seen in lucky charms, and white chocolate chips. the graham cracker squares are perfectly crunchy, and though maybe not as faithful to real graham crackers as found in the mini s’mores, they provide a more pleasurable taste an texture. and the blend of the white chocolate and the little marshmallows somehow does toasted marshmallows justice. it’s madness! this stuff is the shit. it beats the other two, hands down. it’s perfectly sweet and despairingly addictive.

so maybe it was a merry giftmas after all. violent beatings aside, it was most certainly the tastiest.

i leave you with a documentary on making s’mores… and whoopee.

“i want to make love with you”