when i was young, we would go on vacation to my grandmother’s house in chautauqua, which means “place of easy death” (it seriously does… which answers a lot of childhood questions). in the nearby town of BUSTI, there was a small little candy shoppe with gigantic candy canes as columns. that place was called peterson’s corn crib candies. IT WAS A MAGICAL PLACE. it was a magical time. nothing is.. Read More
OHHH TACO BELL YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN! bouncing straight off the wild popularity of your wildly mediocre doritos locos tacos, you’ve done a complete 180 and gone for the jugular of gourmet food. it works perfectly, because whenever i think “taco bell”, i immediately think “gourmet violent explosive diarrhea”. let’s see if they can expand that special flavor of gourmet directly into their food! this is the cantina bell menu… Read More
ohhh superfoods… that ill-defined category of edibles shouting into your fat face “PUT ME IN YOUR DISGUSTING BODY!!!” it’s like your middle school gym teacher all over again. traumatic. superfoods come in all forms: fruits… and other things that grow from the ground. and the health benefits! why, consuming just one superfood a day will make you famous and get you a sexy dance partner! TRUST ME, i’ve done it… Read More
Setting: The “Internet” – a futuristic wonderland of glowing circuits and pure information flowing, through a series of tubes, from computer to computer. Thousands of people are all around, transporting themselves on computer keyboards functioning much like flying surfboards, wearing backwards baseball caps. Love flows freely. BAHAMA BREEZE, a giant beast of man with a tiny palm tree apparently growing from his head, approaches FOOD MONSTER, a slovenly, unbathed man… Read More
THE OTHER DAY, i was in the mood for something disgusting. you know how, every now and then, the mood will strike you to just devastate yourself, to abuse your body and show it who’s boss? that was what this was. to shake off all instinct for self preservation and do myself palpable harm, to rebel against this prison that is my body; to strike a victory for the.. Read More