Tampa Bay Food Monster

remember that movie the perfect storm? there was this boat in the center of the ocean, and all of a sudden a hurricane, a tornado, a monsoon, a tsunami, an earthquake, and el niño all struck at once. everybody started puking and dying. yeah, that’s pretty much what this is here. get yo ass ready.

recently, i noticed that taco bell was featuring their delightful chicken flatbread sandwiches at the same time that mcdonald’s was featuring their heart attack-inducing love bombs known as the mcrib. what were the chances that these limited time masterpieces would coexist? and they both happen to be some of my favorite products from either fast food purveyor. and then i noticed their respective shapes.

like a poorly parented 17 year old putting together the puzzle for the first time, i realized that THIS THING NEEDED TO GO INSIDE THAT OTHER THING. hard. and i wanted that to happen in my mouth. too much for you? better turn back now; this is about to get a hell of a lot more sexual.

i decided to go with the bacon ranch chicken flatbread sandwich rather than the original, feeling that the ranch+barbecue sauce combo might be more favorable than the original’s spicy chipotle-type sauce. i went ahead and left the onions and pickles on, though i suspected the pickles may not play well. i just had faith that god was guiding me, and that what needed to happen would happen.

i invite you to enjoy the rib shaping of the pork patty. gaze upon its glory. there is a certain perfection in its absolute imperfection. it is a sign of where we’ve come as a society. is this the way things were most likely to turn out? the path of least resistance? for the sake of countless undiscovered extra-terrestrial civilizations, i hope so.

success. two become one. and you know what? it wasn’t completely miserable. it was actually not too bad!! i mean, no, of course this isn’t something i am going to make again. making stops at two separate fast food places alone makes me feel disgusted with myself. and the flavors don’t really mesh entirely well with each other. that being said, it could have been much worse. the pickles were not great, but the barbecued pork flavor played surprisingly well with the cheese. the ranch was a nice touch, kind of understated, and the chicken was unfortunately all but lost behind the pork flavor. but the best part was the flatbread. the warm piece of bread cradled the rib-shaped patty like it was designed to do so. i’ve never felt so intimate with the mcrib. i’ll be honest – i was physically aroused.

i really owe a debt of gratitude to dude foods. this guy lives the dream every day of his life by combining awful things to make awfuller things, and just generally having a terrible diet. as far as i’m concerned, he single-handedly pioneered the art of food frankensteinery. i live in the shadow of a giant.

anyway, life is short. eat gross things and have fun.