Tampa Bay Food Monster

ohhh superfoods… that ill-defined category of edibles shouting into your fat face “PUT ME IN YOUR DISGUSTING BODY!!!” it’s like your middle school gym teacher all over again. traumatic. superfoods come in all forms: fruits… and other things that grow from the ground. and the health benefits! why, consuming just one superfood a day will make you famous and get you a sexy dance partner! TRUST ME, i’ve done it. this is stuff you’re gonna want to get in on. readily available examples of superfoods include avocados (as i am informed by a subway commercial), açaí berries (correctly pronounced uh-KAI), beans (good for your heart), and, of course:

oh yes, that’s right – chia. as in that thing you saw on tv when you were a kid, and, if you were lucky, avoided receiving as a gift from a work acquaintance or so-called “friend”. according to wikipedia, chia (salvia hispanica) was first brought to earth from a distant galaxy, from whence XHIAs, the makers of chia (xhia) pets, originated. the aztecs commonly consumed chia, which gave them the flying powers they’re best known for. they worshiped the XHIAs as gods, who showered upon the aztecs their gift that was what we’ve come to know as chia. today, chia is produced by the last known remaining XHIA, imprisoned in area 51. this is all on wikipedia, i swear.

anyway, some marketing geniuses realized that chia will give you god-like powers, and people will totally buy that shit. thus, drink chia was born.

it is ‘drink chia’, a chia-infused drink, and i was sent a few samples to review. inside each bottle of chia is a flavored water-type drink packed with little chia seeds. the bottle implores you to “shake it, baby!”, the action of which will cause the superfood powers of chia to be released in the form of floating around and being in most sips instead of just the last ones. drink chia comes in four ultra-healthy flavors, all of which are fruit based. the drinks use real natural flavor, and evaporated cane juice or organic sugar as sweeteners. and they are packed full of those things that make you so strong: ZINC! VITAMIN B3! VITAMIN B12! NUTRIMITES!* ANTIOXIDANTS!

OMEGA-3!!!

yeah they got all that stuff.

*nutrimites may or may not exist

“B MEYER” LEMON

let us imagine, for a moment, that i actually don’t care at all about marketing buzzwords or being healthy or ancient aztec prophesies. how do these things actually taste? well, honestly, they’re a bit strange. the flavor of the chia is what is kind of off-putting. it’s kind of wheaty, almost woody. like a grain. and it kind of permeates the unique flavors of each individual drink (which i’ll get to). it is not entirely offensive, but it’s not great. on top of that, when exposed to liquid, they become a bit jelly-like, each seed surrounded in an aura of goo. the goo taste reminds me of some generic jell-o flavor. so the flavors are weird. the texture is alright, the goo being gooey, and the little seeds being tiny and seed-like. wordsmith. i do enjoy swishing them through my teeth, much in the same way i did orbitz in the past. but aside from that light novelty, this is not something i care for.

regarding the flavors, we begin with “b meyer” lemon, as pictured above. the name, of course, refers to james benson ‘b’ meyer, inventor of the bowflex. the lemon flavor is light and tart, and largely influenced by the chia. it is sweet up front, then fades into the jell-o with a sour aftertaste. it is not the best of the four flavors, nor is it the worst.

STRAWBERRY CITRUS

this one also has a bit of tartness, mostly up front. it is a lot more drinkable than the lemon, definitely. the jell-o type taste takes front seat here, perhaps aided by a mild strawberry flavor. the aftertaste is rather pleasant and sweet.

HONEYSUCKLE PEAR

the jell-o flavor is a lot less present here! which i like. it is, as they all are, lightly flavored. these are all flavored waters. keep that in mind here. a little fruity, and just barely floral. it’s a bit sweet, not tart, and just pleasant. it’s the least offensive, most drinkable, and overall the best one.

MANGO TANGERINE

and this one… i am disappoint. it is… kinda just gross. mango. a little tangerine. and a weird kind of sweetness that reminds me of artificial sweeteners. it lists organic sugar in the ingredients, while the others have organic evaporated cane juice, so perhaps that is where it all went wrong. the sweetness is the problem for me here, otherwise it would be just meh.

really, though, “just meh” is kind of favorable. from a strictly non-health conscious standpoint, these aren’t great. they aren’t awful to drink, and the honeysuckle pear is tolerable… but it’s not something i would buy. maybe i just don’t care about the alleged magic of the superfood, maybe i just don’t give a damn about things that are supposed to be healthy, or maybe it’s just the chia bush currently growing in my stomach, but these drinks just are not for me.

[youtube=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzY7qQFij_M”]