Taco Bell’s Bacon Ranch Chicken Flatbread Sandwich
Posted by Tampa Bay Food Monster on September 21, 2011
have you ever lost someone you loved? lost someone, someone so dear to you, that your entire world fell apart as a result? i’m talking death, breakup, ended friendships, moving away… the breaking of a bond that was so strong that nothing else mattered beyond it. the end of life as you knew it. you ever have that?
…’cause i have.
once i had to bury my dead. turn my back on them. let them die. and it was hard.
months passed. i tried not to think of my loss. but i could not let it go. every night, i would steal away into the dark, to the dirty parking lot of my local taco bell. there, behind the dumpster, i would visit my treasure – an empty chicken flatbread sandwich wrapper. there were still bits of the the soft, sweet bread dried to the wrapper. i would clutch it, stay with it, and weep. at dawn, i would hide it away, bury it underneath other discarded wrappers and boxes plastered with the taco bell label. the oh-so-loathed label that took away my love. that ruined me.
i would have my revenge.
at this point in time i had become delusional, crazed by the loss of my sandwich. in my compromised state, i thought the best revenge would be an eye for an eye – take from taco bell what they loved more than anything, as they took from me. that’s when i found this little guy:
as soon as i saw the dog, something inside me snapped. i swear, i could hear him whispering taco bell slogans to me en español. i snatched him up, paying little regard to the angry family struggling to keep him from me. i feverishly ran home, and threw the tiny thing into a cage. there i spent the night in a trance, staring into him, occasionally shouting “¡YO QUIERO TACO BELL!” at the top of my lungs.
the next morning i awoke to the sound of a banging at my door. it was the cops. they knew what i’d done. “you need to come out, sir. we know what’s going on.” “NEVER!” “you’re very sick, sir. you need to come out so we can help you.” “GET AWAY FROM MY HOUSE!” “give us the dog!” “GIVE ME MY CHICKEN FLATBREAD SANDWICH!!!” “…but sir, don’t you know? taco bell brought them back! and there’s a new one, with bacon!” “….whaaat?”
after i was released from jail, i made my way down to taco bell to get reacquainted with an old friend, and perhaps make a new one. words… words cannot describe the feelings of joy and happiness i found when i bit into the first chicken flatbread sandwich i’d had since a few months ago. i won’t go into it. i won’t try. just… bliss.
and here is little sister! same as the original (chicken, cheddar, mozzarella, and pepper jack cheeses on a flatbread), but instead of the spicy chipotle sauce, they use a bacony ranch sort of stuff. basically ranch. maybe there’s a bit of bacon? it’s hard to find. mostly you’re getting ranch here. and you know what? it ruins the whole thing. it’s just… it’s not what it’s supposed to be. the chipotle sauce is what makes the original great! it works perfectly with the cheeses and chicken. this… this is just a late night snack put together by a stoner without the means for a real meal. i’m sorry, i just… i just couldn’t get into it.
…but that matters not! for i have been reunited. my tireless efforts got me the reward i’ve wanting so badly. BUT. but. i have heard that it may, again, be a limited time engagement. so, for the love of god, get one while they’re still there. they’re just a buck. and they are decidedly the greatest thing to come of humankind.