Tampa Bay Food Monster

so i decided to stop by my local, shitty checkers burger the other day to give their brand new (return of the) UNBELIEVABURGERS a try. i figured why not? i’ve got nothing left to live for. and for a buck a piece, this is a great and affordable way to end it all! so i strapped into my (friend’s) car, and went down to the dreaded dade city.

now, as a rule, i try to keep out of dade city as much as i can. it’s a deadly, backward area, and as far as i know, the inevitable zombie apocalypse is foretold to begin there. but when the hunger for a great deal strikes, well… you gotta eat™.

i ordered up two different unbelievaburgers: the smokey bacon unbelievaburger, and the mushroom swiss unbelievaburgers. and the total was $3 wtf? i most definitely recalled the advertisements they drilled into my head telling me that it was supposed to be just a buck. IT’S FOR THOSE WHO DON’T STOP UNTIL THEY GO OVER THE TOP. FEAST ON!!! so what was going on?

well, i guess it was just at participating locations only. and dade city was not participating. un-fucking-believaburgerable.

the smokey bacon unbelievaburger was actually pretty good in flavor. ordinary burger patty, chopped bacon, slimy and delicious grilled onions (the best part), and a swiss-type cheese (not much flavor there). there was a sauce of some sort on it, but i can’t for the life of me remember how it might have tasted by itself. really, everything seemed to meld together into one taste, which was pretty good. maybe not smokey, but definitely savory, and a bit sweet. nice.

and then there’s the mushroom swiss. this bad-boy tastes like ass. just how i like my mushroom swiss. i’ve been a huge fan of mushroom and swiss combination burgers. i worked at steak ‘n shake for quite some time, and back then they had a regular mushroom and swiss burger, and it was one of my favorite items there. throw some A1 sauce on there, and you’ve got an orgasm in your mouth. and possibly pants.

but this monstrosity. this… this thing. it was awful. there were hardly any mushrooms on it, and the mushrooms that were there were completely overpowered by the “mushroom gravy” it was smothered in, which tasted like it came out of a can. or a butt. and the mild swiss cheese they used on it, the same cheese that passively slipped into the combined flavor of the smokey bacon unbelievaburger, did not play at all well here, as a mushroom and swiss’ swiss cheese should be a pronounced flavor, standing on its own feet. this burger just tasted like gravy. bad gravy.

the worst part of all is that these burgers were small. the two i had did not fill me up. in fact, i bought two more burgers as i was leaving, just their regular single patty burgers, and the bag was noticeably heavier. and it was cheaper! less money for more burger. i guess what you’re supposed to be paying for here is the flavor, but it was not worth it. maybe it would have been if they had been charging the advertised one dollar per burger, but they were not. and that extra fifty cents each will HAUNT MY DREAMS FOR ALL ETERNITY. i do not exaggerate.

this is the end.