Tampa Bay Food Monster

if you’ve read my blog before, you may have noticed certain… patterns in my food consumption. HEALTH-WISE. i’m not what you’d call a “health-conscious” eater. i don’t know what’s meant by a “2000 calorie diet”. when i see a nutrition facts label, i immediately turn the box to find the cut out mask on the back. it’s all foreign to me. and when i encounter somebody who has the audacity to care about such things, i get personally offended, and shoot them angry looks as i wheeze between bites of my triple western whopper. needless to say, i am not healthy.

so when THE SMOOTHIE KING HIMSELF caught wind of my disgusting dietary habits, he took it upon himself to correct the error of my ways with the new Lean1 super smoothie. this meal replacement-type drink boasts the ability to deliver enough protein to boost your energy at all times of the day, burn body fat 68% faster, tone and define that lean muscle, speedily recover you from your strenuous workout (walking from the couch to the bathroom, and back if you’re up for it), and maintain that healthy, fit body you’ve worked so hard to achieve. oh, and this bad boy is lactose free. fuck you, lactose.

so the king hooked me up with a sample of each of the three flavors of smoothie (chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry), delivered in the small size cups. and the small here is 20 oz, which is pretty substantial. each of these smoothies use the lean1 protein blend, which is one of those gigantic buckets of man powder you find at the GNC store in the mall being hocked by muscley dudes ready to tear your arms off if you look at them crossways. finally, a way to consume this stuff without crapping my pants! …or will i? let’s take a look at this slime!

RAAAAHHHH feel the raw energy of vanilla, aka plain-taste flavoured. this one showcased the sandy, proteiny goodness packed into each scoop of lean1 powder. there was hardly a vanilla taste to it at all (though it did exist). also packed in there, as with the chocolate flavored foodbeverage, is almonds and bananas, which i suspect is thrown in to give you a more hearty drink experience. otherwise you’d be left with something like a non-dairy creamer milkshake, without the aid of milk. the smoothie was overwhelmingly bland, though it was rather filling.

next up is strawberry, the most hardcore of the team. strawberry doesn’t use any of that banana/almond crap, instead using actual strawberries in addition to the powder. as a result, the strawberry was by far the most consumable of the bunch, tasting almost like a regular smoothie! the powdery protein flavor was still present, but it was easy to ignore.

the chocolate flavor was decent. it seemed rather creamy, making up a bit for the awful powder madness. the flavor was pretty decent, initially seeming to be heavily weighed toward a banana taste, but kind of settling halfway through to a halfhearted but well intentioned chocolate. i imagine this would be difficult to get through all in one sitting.

so how do these compare, health-wise? according to my health expert/personal trainer/assistant/girlfriend, vanilla and strawberry flavors pack the most “nutrition points” (NP), while chocolate trails behind. apparently the almonds and bananas make a difference, because the strawberry has more sugars and more carbs but less fat but then maybe the fat in the other ones is good fat because almonds fkjnflksanmlsdmglsdnfkljnvknanvklsjn i just… i can’t get into it. here’s the health information from the smoothie king site. figure it out for yourself. the ‘function’ section reads TRIM DOWN, so that’s obviously all the information i need. AND BOY DID IT WORK!!!

after drinking JUST ONE LEAN1 SMOOTHIE, i went from a size 73 dress to abs of steel. i am now able to get into clubs for free. now, perhaps these results are atypical, and i doubt that smoothie king would make such promises, but i personally guarantee you that after just one smoothie, you will be magically transformed in size and possibly sex, resulting in a greater frequency in sexual encounters with whatever it is you may be attracted to! also, you may experience a slight tummy ache, as i did. maybe my body is just not used to healthy things. but it was filling! as a lunch, i had only the small, which goes for about five bucks, and i was “full” until dinner. when dinner came around, i was hungrier than i normally would be, but i was not starving to death. i could see using this as a meal replacement.

…of course, the idea of replacing an actual meal with a smoothie designed to keep me looking buff is just offensive to me, so i cannot say i’m a convert. but i’m sure there are people out there who would be into that sort of thing. probably not people who read my blog. but they’re out there, somewhere. those attractive bastards.