Tampa Bay Food Monster

i must say, it’s been far too long since my last taco bell review. what a sad state of affairs!! i basically live at taco bell, sucking what little nutrients i can find from their many massive meat tubes behind the counter. the only problem being the inevitable dehydration from the constant diarrhea. ah well, such is life. such is love.

today, we explore taco bell’s most neckbeardy creation to date, the doritos locos tacos (ever plural even in its singularity).

the ideal order of the doritos locos tacos is as a part of the doritos locos tacos box. now i’ve never discussed the taco bell boxes before, mostly because of the disgust i feel for them. you see, once upon a time, when life on this earth was quite young, taco bell shat out a box of food items, stuck a drink in there, and gave it to the world. they probably used shaq to advertise it. and it was good. three items, a drink, and cinnamon twists. now, i rarely order the cinnamon twists on my own, because pfft why bother right? but that doesn’t mean they’re not amazing. so it was always the best part of the box to experience that little burst of happiness as a dessert, or feverishly stuffed inside a burrito.

well, apparently taco bell thought that they were responsible for too much happiness in this world, because soon they took away all of our cinnamonny goodness. and replaced it with nothing. emptiness. once i learned that, i stopped buying the box. even so, it’s a pretty good deal.

OKAY ENOUGH OF THAT!

inside the box we find a meager offering of two tacos and a burrito; no twisties. specifically, we have a crunchy taco, a burrito supreme, and of course a doritos locos taco supremos. sitting inside the box as they are, wrapped up like little mummies, they look rather sterile. i don’t know how much i want to party with this box, and that’s troubling.

the wrapper recommends we tweet our experiences as we eat our tacos. #doritoslocostacos. the draw is that people might see your tweet? i guess? so yeah let’s all just give free advertising to taco bell! #sellouts #foodblog #hypocrisy

the taco(s) is delivered in a little taco holder printed to look like a doritos bag, completely undermining the fairly decent looking promotional graphic design on the wrapper and cup (probably supposed to be on the box, too). i mean, i can understand the point; we associate the bag design with doritos, so it helps us feel like we’re really eating doritos in taco form. but… you already bought the taco. i dunno whatever it’s all a gimmick anyway.

so the little taco holder is designed to keep your fingers free of dorito dust, which… you don’t… ordinarily get when eating doritos? or maybe it’s there to keep the shell together. either way, it prevents you from getting disgusting. well it didn’t work for me, because i just went bareback. and i got totally pumped up for some doritos-flavored action as soon as i licked that stuff off my fingers.

sexy, yes i know.

so how is it? it’s like eating a taco, made out of doritos. it is exactly what you think it will be like. the flavor is spot on, as the marketing assures you. the addition of doritos power is a bit much, but not bad by any means. completely tolerable. it is going to be a bit more messy than a normal taco, both for doritos fingers and because the shell doesn’t seem to hold together as well as regular taco shells. but it’s not inedible.

for me, it harkens back to a time when my family would have “taco salad” (just taco innards thrown in a bowl with tortilla chips), and my brother and i would substitute in doritos for the chips. because of awesome. so that’s what this taco is like… something a kid would make because AWESOME.

in any event, i won’t be going out of my way to order this again, but if i wanted to go down the route of big box minus cinnamon twists, i wouldn’t shy away from it.

now here’s a guy who looks like a large baby eating a taco bell big box, using a washing machine as a table:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLxnFf_hcDA]

*note the cinnamon twists