okay. so i went a little crazy for thanksgiving. what began as a challenge to myself to see how much i could eat in one day concluded itself in a symphony of physical anguish and mental collapse. i awoke at the crack of dawn on got straight to work, soloing my way through a tray of stuffing, half a casserole dish of green bean casserole, seven pounds of mashed potatoes, a full boat of gravy, and two and a half turkeys (one of which was stolen). by the end, my jaw was too sore to move, and i resorted to swallowing wet chunks of meat whole. the last thing i remember was my family surrounding me and screaming, while my girlfriend violently wept and held tightly onto my lifeless hand.

…and then there was the blackout.

i came to consciousness in a hospital this morning, where they’d had pounds of half-digested food pumped out of my body in a last ditch effort to save my life. and it worked. though much of my mind was lost to the severe brain damage, i live on, as a testament to the power of food. and you know what the first thing i asked for was?

some god damned fast food.

and this is what i got:

new bk fries

these are some fatty fries. i don’t know if you can tell from the picture, but each of those fries is at least as wide as a hot dog. what the hell kind of backwards world have i woken up to?? apparently during my great slumber, burger king decided to once again mess around with their fries, moving from normal and crispy to big and puffy. why? why would they do this? what have they done to me? i can’t eat this crap.

i don’t understand the move. what was wrong with their old fries? were people really clamoring for change? is this just another halfhearted attempt at dethroning the true fry king, mcdonald’s? it’s not like these taste any more like real potato… they still taste like the same gross mechanically separated fluff you find in all fast food french fries. there’s just… more of it. who would want that? all anyone cares about is the fried exterior, so changing the ratio to make less of your meal the fried part is just a bad move. am i wrong here?? maybe it’s the brain damage talking, but banks now, burger king!! i… banks now. brain damage. eh.


so anyway, yeah. i’m back.