Tampa Bay Food Monster

while on the usf campus the other day, i noticed a sign on the window of subway – bbq pulled pork sandwich. i looked around me. …no sign of corpses. no still-living bodies writhing in pain. no puddles of fresh vomit. nothing. could subway be making a pulled pork sandwich that didn’t cause massive sickness, or the dead to rise again? i was dubious. i was also… hungry.

i went in and got in the excruciatingly long line. damn college students. SO HUNGRY ALL THE TIME. stop eating and get back to class. after what seemed like days, i got my chance to order. but something wasn’t right. the lady behind the counter seemed a bit off. she was shaking ever so slightly, and scratching her arms and neck. the other employees appeared to be in a similar state, all looking as though maybe they were more than a bit stressed out by something. and they were all avoiding one particular bread oven, which had a dark covering over the window. i tried not to think much of it, and proceeded to order the bbq pulled pork sandwich.

…

everything had come to a halt. the quiet murmuring in the store had been reduced to a sharp silence. all eyes were on me, with a sort of desperation in those of the employees. it was unsettling, to say the least. the lady taking my order smiled a big, strange smile. “you’re gonna really like that!” she said, drawing each word out a bit too long. everyone else in the restaurant went back to their own business, though i couldn’t help but notice getting quick glances from most people there every now and then. i had my sandwich topped, paid, and began to leave. the lady spoke again, stopping me in my tracks: “we all really like that. we’ve been eating so much of it ourselves! some of the best meat subway’s had!” too excited. i took my sandwich and ran.

and there she is. in all her glory. the bbq pulled pork sandwich. on italian herbs and cheese. with lettuce, onions, pickles, and banana peppers. no cheese. not toasted. i’m not too into toasting my subway sandwiches. there is pork in there, by the way! it was spread onto the top part of the bread, hidden away from human sight.

the following… is not for the faint of heart:

the pork. its true form, as it sits, hidden amongst the toppings and crusty bread, dripping with barbecue sauce. this is what you’re paying for. so how was it?? it was meh. it reminded me of sloppy joes – slimy and loose. kind of gross. they microwave the meat in little pre-portioned cardboard trays, as they do their chicken and other ‘specialty’ meats, but its method of delivery may as well have been scoop, a la subway’s tub o’ tuna. it warms the bread, and the sauce begins to seep through it, resulting in soggy bread that will disintegrate if you don’t eat it fast enough. the flavor is alright, but the texture is what throws me off. it chews like something you might prepare for the elderly. the barbecue sauce is entirely ordinary, and almost immediately forgettable. the meat played well against the vegetables, though, which is nice considering that’s half the sandwich. going fairly simple with the sandwich was the right choice to make.

i finished it quickly, having only gotten the six inch (five bucks), and wanted to eat it before it completely fell apart. i was largely unimpressed. the day went on. very little time passed before i was hungry again. i regretted not getting the footlong. but it wasn’t that great a sandwich. just hungry. an hour later, all i could think about was the sandwich. why hadn’t i gotten more? why didn’t i just get extra meat? i could have a little tray all to myself right then and there. delicious processed pork meatstuff. i began to feel itchy all over. what was this? why did i want more of that stuff?! i thought back to the strange subway… those people!! THOSE PEOPLE!!

i ran back to the cooper hall, where the scent of fresh bread was replaced by the foul stench of burnt flesh. there were university police, cops, paramedics. crowds of people looked on. i asked a nearby student, who was sedately munching on a pulled pork sandwich, what had happened. “they all went crazy. they all… they all wanted the pork. the people working there, they kept screaming. ‘it’s so good’, they said. ‘best meat.’ they all began grabbing at the pork, clawing at each other to get to it. one of the employees had been locked in a bread oven. they said she wanted the pork too much… they turned the oven on.” all the while, the student was mindlessly eating the pork. and all i could think was how much i wanted that detestable meat, that slime. still i think of the meat. what has subway done to me? what has subway done to us all??